My GPS Is Trying to Kill Me
My GPS has a major attitude problem and is possibly homicidal. Here is an sample of a typical 'conversation' between GPS lady voice and I:
GPS: Turn left in 300 yards.
Me: Okay
GPS: Turn left in 200 yards.
Me: Okay, I got it.
GPS: Turn left in 100 yards.
Me: I got it, left.
GPS: Turn left.
Me: Wait, the road is closed off.
GPS: Turn left!
Me: I can't.
GPS: TURN LEFT!!! (display flashing obnoxiously)
Me: Sorry, I have to drive straight. You will just have to reposition yourself.
GPS: Turn left at the very next opportunity.
Me: It's a motorway now. I can't turn anywhere.
GPS: Follow along the road for some time.
Me: Well, duh.
GPS: ^beep beep static beep^ (translation: you are so dead. wait till later when we are alone and in the countryside).
Later that night whilst driving pals home....I put in new coordinates , but first we have to find our way out of the Glasgow one way system.
GPS: Turn around at the first opportunity.
Me: Dead end street, got it.
GPS: Follow along the road.
Me: It's a gated park , dude.
GPS: ^silence^
Me: So, which way.
GPS: ^beep beep^ (translation: don't rush me)
GPS: Turn right. Then turn left.
Me: Again: gated park.
GPS: Turn Left.
Me: Nope.
GPS. Turn Left!
Me: I said no, you stupid women.
GPS. iamgoingtokillyou ^beep^
Me: What??
GPS: Turn right, then turn right.
Me: Okay.
GPS: Turn turn right.
Me: Good. What is with the stutter?
GPS: Matrix is reset.
Me: Huh??
GPS: Turn right at the next opportunity.
Me: Um, I think that is a circle. I am going to keep on driving.
After a long time, we find the motorway and everything is fine until it tells us to go the opposite direction after the motorway.
Me: Just turn the thing off.
Pal: No, I want to see what it says. (followed by giggling and constant mimicing of the device..all in good fun).
I drop off said pals and program GPS to take me from their town to mine. I really don't know where I am at this point and the motorway actually goes in the wrong direction. I go ahead and follow GPS directions for a while, despite being in the dark countryside on B road that I have never been on before. Until it asks me to turn down a really dark semi-paved road with no sign on it.
GPS: Turn left 300 yards. hehehe
Me: But, where does it go?
GPS: Turn left 200 yards. You know you want to.
Me: No, I don't. I think it is out of the way.
GPS: Turn left 100 yards. Because I said so.
Me: I'm unsure.
GPS: Turn left. I have a surprise for you.
Me: I don't think that is a good idea. I don't see any signs. What road is this?
GPS: Turn Left!
Me: Sorry, no can do.
GPS: Turn left at the first opportunity.
Me: Looks like no turns for a while, sorry.
GPS: ^sigh^ follow the road ahead for 4 miles.
Me: Sure, but I'm on to you.
2 miles later....
GPS: Turn right at the next junction.
Me: But, you said 4 miles. It hasn't been that long.
GPS: I know a better way. Turn right.
Me: Um, its a lake.
GPS: Nah, you're just tired. Turn right.
Me: No, the moonlight is shining off the water.
GPS: Its just a puddle really. A deep puddle, with a gate and some grass around it, but really turn right. I would not steer you wrong. he he he.
I continue forward on the road.
GPS. Damn! Follow the road ahead for 3 miles then turn a sharp left.
By the time I get to the 3 mile point, I am on a cliff, a steep cliff with no road leading up to it. You guessed it. I did not turn there either.
Eventually this road led to a road that I did know and I got home safely.
I think GPS will just have to settle on causing fights between Andy and I. It has not grown smart enought to kill me....yet. (Cue mechanical laughter...and fade).
GPS: Turn left in 300 yards.
Me: Okay
GPS: Turn left in 200 yards.
Me: Okay, I got it.
GPS: Turn left in 100 yards.
Me: I got it, left.
GPS: Turn left.
Me: Wait, the road is closed off.
GPS: Turn left!
Me: I can't.
GPS: TURN LEFT!!! (display flashing obnoxiously)
Me: Sorry, I have to drive straight. You will just have to reposition yourself.
GPS: Turn left at the very next opportunity.
Me: It's a motorway now. I can't turn anywhere.
GPS: Follow along the road for some time.
Me: Well, duh.
GPS: ^beep beep static beep^ (translation: you are so dead. wait till later when we are alone and in the countryside).
Later that night whilst driving pals home....I put in new coordinates , but first we have to find our way out of the Glasgow one way system.
GPS: Turn around at the first opportunity.
Me: Dead end street, got it.
GPS: Follow along the road.
Me: It's a gated park , dude.
GPS: ^silence^
Me: So, which way.
GPS: ^beep beep^ (translation: don't rush me)
GPS: Turn right. Then turn left.
Me: Again: gated park.
GPS: Turn Left.
Me: Nope.
GPS. Turn Left!
Me: I said no, you stupid women.
GPS. iamgoingtokillyou ^beep^
Me: What??
GPS: Turn right, then turn right.
Me: Okay.
GPS: Turn turn right.
Me: Good. What is with the stutter?
GPS: Matrix is reset.
Me: Huh??
GPS: Turn right at the next opportunity.
Me: Um, I think that is a circle. I am going to keep on driving.
After a long time, we find the motorway and everything is fine until it tells us to go the opposite direction after the motorway.
Me: Just turn the thing off.
Pal: No, I want to see what it says. (followed by giggling and constant mimicing of the device..all in good fun).
I drop off said pals and program GPS to take me from their town to mine. I really don't know where I am at this point and the motorway actually goes in the wrong direction. I go ahead and follow GPS directions for a while, despite being in the dark countryside on B road that I have never been on before. Until it asks me to turn down a really dark semi-paved road with no sign on it.
GPS: Turn left 300 yards. hehehe
Me: But, where does it go?
GPS: Turn left 200 yards. You know you want to.
Me: No, I don't. I think it is out of the way.
GPS: Turn left 100 yards. Because I said so.
Me: I'm unsure.
GPS: Turn left. I have a surprise for you.
Me: I don't think that is a good idea. I don't see any signs. What road is this?
GPS: Turn Left!
Me: Sorry, no can do.
GPS: Turn left at the first opportunity.
Me: Looks like no turns for a while, sorry.
GPS: ^sigh^ follow the road ahead for 4 miles.
Me: Sure, but I'm on to you.
2 miles later....
GPS: Turn right at the next junction.
Me: But, you said 4 miles. It hasn't been that long.
GPS: I know a better way. Turn right.
Me: Um, its a lake.
GPS: Nah, you're just tired. Turn right.
Me: No, the moonlight is shining off the water.
GPS: Its just a puddle really. A deep puddle, with a gate and some grass around it, but really turn right. I would not steer you wrong. he he he.
I continue forward on the road.
GPS. Damn! Follow the road ahead for 3 miles then turn a sharp left.
By the time I get to the 3 mile point, I am on a cliff, a steep cliff with no road leading up to it. You guessed it. I did not turn there either.
Eventually this road led to a road that I did know and I got home safely.
I think GPS will just have to settle on causing fights between Andy and I. It has not grown smart enought to kill me....yet. (Cue mechanical laughter...and fade).
posted by Kimie @ 6:16 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
LMFAO!!!
Technology is out to get us!!!!
muahaahaa!!!
I am pretty sure it has made some conspiracy arrangement with my MP3 player. I don't remember leaving them next to each other, but they were right next to each other this morning when I got in the car. My MP3 then decided that every battery I put into it would die instantly. though, that may be just that I keep throwing batteries into my bag without getting rid of the old ones. I think I finally got to the point where they are ALL old ones.
Sounds like the plot to Steven King's next novel.
S, I thought for sure that the next Steven King's next novel would be about Badgers, Badgers, Badgers, Mushroom and ARGH! a snake.
Hmmm....the GPS wasnt named "HAL" was it??? No large black monolith anywhere in sight? Or Arthur C. Clarke somewhere laughing nearby?
"Where are you driving, Kimie?"
"Kimie, I have some doubts about our mission, um, I mean excursion"
If that sucker starts singing "Daisy" get the hell outta the car!!!
Oh yeah, little trivia concerning "HAL" from "2001". The letters "H-A-L" are all just one letter off of "I-B-M". Sure, it's just a computer virus...it's not sentient and trying to find a way to kill you...
Aargh!!! And after having trouble posting this comment due to the "changes" with the website (yeah, right) I'm beginning to think my PC is in on the conspiracy!!!
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